Funniest Tweets From Parents: Children may say the most absurd things, but parents tweet the funniest things about them. In order to spread joy, we compile the funniest parent-related tweets every week.
The parents’ tweets are below:
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) November 1, 2022
my kid from the top of the stairs in the morning: everything the light touches is my kingdom
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) November 2, 2022
Cut my finger while carving a pumpkin and my 12 y/o daughter told me to save the blood in case we needed it for decorations so I said, “ok, sweetie,” and took garlic to bed with me because WTF.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 31, 2022
I wish my kids gave me the respect that they give their stuffed animals.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 29, 2022
Having kids is great because instead of cracking open a beer and watching TV to decompress after work, you can re-learn basic math and wash school cafeteria mashed potatoes out of a trombone.
— The Dad (@thedad) November 3, 2022
My kid didn’t even come close to meeting her Reese’s quota, so I’m sending her back out tonight. Do better.
— Luke+ (@lukeplusone) November 1, 2022
I was driving with my son when he asked me about the meaning of a bumper sticker that said, "If you're gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair" and WTF?! Why wasn't he looking at his phone like a normal teen?!
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) November 2, 2022
It’s so rude of my wife to not clip my 7YOs nails, which have scratched both of us
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 2, 2022
Reminded my daughter to bring her trick or treat bag with her. She said, "I don't need one. I'm just going to eat the candy as they hand it to me." If that's not the Halloween spirit I don't know what is.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 31, 2022
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) November 1, 2022
I don’t secretly steal my kids’ Halloween candy. I eat it right in front of them while maintaining eye contact. Total power move.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 31, 2022
Our youngest made her own grilled cheese and, long story short, did you know that bread is flammable?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 1, 2022
Playing cards with a friend’s 4-year-old. The rules are that we take turns putting cards on the pile until she declares she wins. Tbh the rules of this game are about my speed pic.twitter.com/NCO9VPvJEg
— Jen Fulwiler is on tour (@jenfulwiler) October 30, 2022
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, "time to make some money!" Apparently he's selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren't allowed to have candy at home.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) November 3, 2022
Parenthood is mostly thinking, "I know my kid is supposed to be smart but seriously what the fuck?"
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 3, 2022
“Daddy, come over to my trap,” -3yo, having not yet mastered the concept of traps
— MikeUnderscoreBlueCheck (@correspundit) November 1, 2022
The thing about being a first-time parent is you suddenly realize you make the rules of the house? Your toddler will be like "lets throw a ball" and you're like "oh I don't think we are allowed to do that inside?" and they're like "we aren't?" and you're like "I should find out."
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 4, 2022
10-year-old: Can I go over to my friend's house?
10: Can she come over here?
10: How is that different?
Me: Addition versus subtraction.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2022
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 1, 2022
My kid just learned “uh oh spaghettios” but he keeps forgetting and is yelling “oh no noodles” instead
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 1, 2022
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